Blogging . . . @%#*! October 28, 2008

Blogging is not my favorite thing, but I’ve promised my sweet husband that I will update tonight.   So much has happened since my last post.  Long story short . . . we’ve been matched with a birthmother!  YIPEE!!!!  What that means is that we were chosen by a birthmother out of 15 profiles sent to her by our agency.  About three weeks ago, we got a call from our agency asking if we would be willing to talk to the birthmother on the phone.  We eagerly said yes, but did not realize that she was on the other line waiting to talk to us right then!  I can’t begin to tell you how nervous and excited I was!  So many emotions at once.  What do you say to a woman who is considering giving you her child?  I honestly can’t remember much of the conversation, but after we hung up the social work called back about an hour later and said that she liked us and wanted us! 

So what’s next?  Well, she is expected to deliver on January 15th!  EEK!  So until that time we wait.  We’ve spoken to her (Nancy) several times since then.  She’s keeping us updated on her doctor’s appointments and how things are progressing with the baby.  After 3 ultrasounds they were able to determine that the baby is a girl!  Savannah Heeth Haakenson will be her name.  Her initals will be SHH.  

Kent and I are busy preparing as best we can.  We are trying to guard our hearts because there is always a possibility that Nancy will change her mind.  It’s difficult for us not to be excited!  We already feel bonded to Savannah and I already can’t imagine ever waking up again with my first thoughts not being about her.  I think about her all the time.  And I worry about her.  I’m sure mothers who carry their babies are full of anxiety.  I feel the same way.  I worry because I can’t control how Nancy takes care of herself, if she’s eating right or sleeping enough or taking her vitamins.  I worry that something will be wrong with Savannah when she is born.  I try to convince myself that if I am faced with that then I’ll be strong enough to handle it.  I tell myself God will not give me anything I can’t handle, but do I really believe that?  I try to push those thoughts away, but they creep back in.  I wonder is this normal? 

I try to combat the anxiety by planning the nursery!    We’ve chosen a crib, bedding and paint!  Let the decorating begin!  I’ve even convinced Kent that we need to order the matching curtains from Pottery Barn!  Believe it our not he agreed!  He’s already wrapped around her finger!   Wouldn’t it be tragic with all this girl planning if she suddenly sprouts a boy part?  YIKES!  Is that possible at 7 months?  See, I told you I was a ball of anxiety!

That is pretty much our update in a nutshell.  I promise I’ll post more if anything significant develops.  In the meantime, please pray for Nancy and Savannah and for Kent and me. 

Thanks for reading.

Do you ever wonder if God gets tired of us? August 12, 2008

I never cease to amaze myself.  My lack of faith and trust simply boggles my mind.  It’s like I’m on a perpetual roller coaster of trust and woe is me, trust and woe is me . . . over and over again.  I throw silent tantrums because God is not giving me my way!  I mentally stamp my feet and shake my fists at the sky in hopes that God will feel sorry enough for me to grant my wishes.  I wonder if he ever simply gets tired of me.

My lastest spiritual fit throwing came just this past weekend.  Kent and I have eagerly been awaiting a response from an adoption grant that we applied for 6 weeks ago.  It was a matching grant where friends and family could donate to our adoption fund and the organization would match the funds donated up to a certain point.  We had high hopes that this money would push us over the half way point and we would well on our way to having enough funds to begin applying to agencies.   The best part of this grant was that anyone who donated to our fund would receive a tax write off!  Everyone wins! 

Yesterday when Kent checked the mail, there was an envelope from the grant organization; a very thin envelope.  Basically it was a letter stating that would not able to assist us with our adoption funding. At the end of the letter there was a paragraph about continuing to trust God to meet our needs.  I let the letter fall to the floor and immediately retreated to my screened in porch, my sanctuary.  The place where just a few days ago I sat during a thunderstorm and marveled at the awesome power of God creation.  Trust God?  Trust God for what?  I was trusting God.  I was trusting  this Christian organization would help us with our funding.  I was trusting these people would be God’s hands and feet and see the fact that we are desperate here!  Trust God.  Whatever.

Why is this always my immediate reaction to disappointment?  Why do I always doubt God’s holiness and supremacy?  Why is it so easy to sing praises when everything is coming up roses, but then retreat to a dark place when I don’t get my way?

Sometimes I get tired of myself.

So for the past three days I’ve been in a funk.  A “woe is me, God’s shutting doors, I’m a failure at being a woman” funk.  I came home from work today funky and tired.

I was curled up on the couch when Kent came home today, funky.  He tossed an another envelope to me.  When I opened it, there was a check for $874.  Here’s the best part.  The check was from a random audit conducted by Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine, the place where we had our IVF treatments.  They said it we had overpayed. 

I don’t choose to believe it was an overpayment.  I choose to believe this is God, one more time, showing me exactly who’s running the show.  I choose to believe that He gave us this gift to redeem the loss of our babies.

Even if God does get tired of us, He continually shows us His mercy.

God forgive me for being so short sighted and weak.

Let the paperwork begin! June 23, 2008

We are now officially home study ready!  Our homestudy paperwork has been finalized and is on the way to our mailbox.  We are also in the process of getting our adoption profile ready.  This is the profile that birthmothers will see and hopefully they will love what we have to say and choose us! 

We are also buried under a sea of agency and grant applications.  My goal is to have them all submitted by the end of June.  That gives me one week! 

From this point, I believe we are looking at a wait time of about 9 months.  I know our baby will come when they are supposed to be here, but with the big 4-0 approaching in October, I wish we could hurry things along.

 

More later.

Go Baby Go! June 18, 2008

Suffice it to say, blogging is not my forte!  Please forgive the lapse in communication.  I do have many things to say however.  First, let me begin with our first fund raiser!  Go Baby Go!  Kent and I organized a fun walk to help raise money for our adoption.  It took place last Saturday!  It was a huge success!  The walk raised over $2000 for our cause and we are thrilled!  Our friends and familys generosity was overwhelming and Kent and I are finding it hard to have the right words to say to people.  We just feel so honored to have such a wonderful support.  It truly does make this burden easier to carry when you know so many people are behind you. 

Now, the next step . . . our home study is complete!  WOOHOO!  We meet with our social worker tonight to proofread our documents and once we okay the paperwork, we can begin applying with agencies.  There are three main agencies our consultants work with www.aguardianangel.net, www.mothergooseadoptions.com, www.adoptionsconnectionsinc.com, www.hearttoheartadoptions.net.  i guess that is four actually.  each of the agencies requires different things and I’m told the paperwork is overwhelming, but I am dedicated to making this my full time job this summer while I am on summer vacation.

at this point, that is pretty much where we stand.  We are anxious and excited and scared and joyful all rolled into one.  It’s a rollercoster of emotions.  Some days are good and some days are just plain hard.  We covet your prayers and are so grateful for your support.

God’s blessing already April 24, 2008

I’m not sure how to say what I truly feel here. I know the title above gives some indication, obviously. There are times in life when you know that God blesses you (your health, a good job, a wonderful wife, etc) and then there are times when that blessing is so at odds with your sense of normalcy and justice that is almost makes you break down in a spirit of humility at how much God loves us and wants to bless us. It makes you wonder if you really know God, or if the best and deepest relationship with God that you can manage would still just be the tip of the iceberg.

When it comes to paying for an adoption, every couple that we have talked to has said almost the same thing: “We didn’t know where the money was going to come from, but God provided it right when we needed it”….Well, that just happened to us in a very real way. The math is pretty simple – we needed $1,000 to complete our contract with the adoption agency. We had not even really gotten the word out completely – we haven’t even sent out our sponsor letter. We had only told our small group, some friends, and our families. However, today we received a check in the mail for exactly $1,000. We were floored…we ended up in a state of tears for about a half an hour. I even lost my appetite for dinner (and for those of you who know me, that is saying something!). It was truly a humbling experience – that is the best way we know how to describe it. The bottom line is that God blesses his children – period…regardless of whether or not you prayed ‘enough’ that day, or read your bible ‘enough’ that day, or if you felt Christian ‘enough’. God’s blessing is real, whether we believe we deserve it or not – and when you find yourself in the crosshairs of his awesome unrelenting grace, it is truly a humbling, life-changing experience.

–Kent

One down April 23, 2008

Our social worker just left.  We have completed our home visit and we have 90% of our paperwork complete!  WOOHOO!  We still have a pretty good amount of stuff to accomplish, but we are well on our way! 

Tonight is the first night that all of this has felt real.  I was actually standing at the door saying good bye to our social worker and I suddenly had this huge realization that I am on my way to becoming a mother!  I teared up a little bit.

I’m exhausted and my eyes are tired.  More tomorrow.

Gearing Up April 21, 2008

Well things are underway and moving right along.  Tuesday night is our first home visit!  We are excited about finally getting things started.  It seems like they are moving along quickly.  We’ve completed a good portion of our paperwork and Kent has got his physical completed today.  Plans are shaping up for our 5K walk.  The only weekend available was Father’s Day weekend.  I know that will hinder the turnout, but I do think it’s appropriate to have it on that day because the money we will raise from the walk will allow Kent to celebrate Father’s Day soon! 

Please continue to pray for our fund raising efforts.  Please pray for our child and for the birthmother of our child.  Thank you for joining with us.

 

On your mark April 17, 2008

We’ve finally reached the starting line!  After a few months of regrouping, we are finally ready to start our adoption process.  We were feeling pretty burdened with the weight of the debt we were carrying from the IVF so we stopped everything and took a few months to steady our footing.  During this time, a miracle took place.  We still owed $11,000 on our IVF.  We’d paid down the balance from $22,000 and still had a little over half left to pay.  We were fully expecting to take a year at least to pay off the rest.  However, God provided a way for us to pay off the balance at the beginning of April!  Through our tax refund and a commission check Kent got from work, it was exactly the amount we needed to pay off everything and be completely DEBT FREE! 

Now we can begin our journey with a lighter step.  Even though the thought of raising $30,000 is overwhelming, I know God will provide a way.

We are working on our home study packet right now and soon we will have our first home visit.  I hope they don’t deduct points for dog hair on the couch. 

Haakenson Adoption–Our Adoption Journey February 5, 2008

Where to begin? 

I’m not exactly sure where to begin.  Blogging sounds so computer geek-esque and also a bit confusing.  I’m wondering does spell check work and if my mother reads my entries, will she edit them for puntucation?

I feel the need to start this blog mainly as a way of trying to process my feelings about our infertility issues and our adoption process.  I also want our friends and family to be part of this journey with us.  It’s not something easily carried alone, so it will be nice to know others are reading this, encouraging us and helping us carry this.

So thank you in advance for sharing our life through our blog.  It makes me smile to type the word blog.   I feel like a Georgia Tech grad! We will keep you posted as our adoption story unfolds.