I never cease to amaze myself. My lack of faith and trust simply boggles my mind. It’s like I’m on a perpetual roller coaster of trust and woe is me, trust and woe is me . . . over and over again. I throw silent tantrums because God is not giving me my way! I mentally stamp my feet and shake my fists at the sky in hopes that God will feel sorry enough for me to grant my wishes. I wonder if he ever simply gets tired of me.
My lastest spiritual fit throwing came just this past weekend. Kent and I have eagerly been awaiting a response from an adoption grant that we applied for 6 weeks ago. It was a matching grant where friends and family could donate to our adoption fund and the organization would match the funds donated up to a certain point. We had high hopes that this money would push us over the half way point and we would well on our way to having enough funds to begin applying to agencies. The best part of this grant was that anyone who donated to our fund would receive a tax write off! Everyone wins!
Yesterday when Kent checked the mail, there was an envelope from the grant organization; a very thin envelope. Basically it was a letter stating that would not able to assist us with our adoption funding. At the end of the letter there was a paragraph about continuing to trust God to meet our needs. I let the letter fall to the floor and immediately retreated to my screened in porch, my sanctuary. The place where just a few days ago I sat during a thunderstorm and marveled at the awesome power of God creation. Trust God? Trust God for what? I was trusting God. I was trusting this Christian organization would help us with our funding. I was trusting these people would be God’s hands and feet and see the fact that we are desperate here! Trust God. Whatever.
Why is this always my immediate reaction to disappointment? Why do I always doubt God’s holiness and supremacy? Why is it so easy to sing praises when everything is coming up roses, but then retreat to a dark place when I don’t get my way?
Sometimes I get tired of myself.
So for the past three days I’ve been in a funk. A “woe is me, God’s shutting doors, I’m a failure at being a woman” funk. I came home from work today funky and tired.
I was curled up on the couch when Kent came home today, funky. He tossed an another envelope to me. When I opened it, there was a check for $874. Here’s the best part. The check was from a random audit conducted by Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine, the place where we had our IVF treatments. They said it we had overpayed.
I don’t choose to believe it was an overpayment. I choose to believe this is God, one more time, showing me exactly who’s running the show. I choose to believe that He gave us this gift to redeem the loss of our babies.
Even if God does get tired of us, He continually shows us His mercy.
God forgive me for being so short sighted and weak.
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