I never cease to amaze myself. My lack of faith and trust simply boggles my mind. It’s like I’m on a perpetual roller coaster of trust and woe is me, trust and woe is me . . . over and over again. I throw silent tantrums because God is not giving me my way! I mentally stamp my feet and shake my fists at the sky in hopes that God will feel sorry enough for me to grant my wishes. I wonder if he ever simply gets tired of me.
My lastest spiritual fit throwing came just this past weekend. Kent and I have eagerly been awaiting a response from an adoption grant that we applied for 6 weeks ago. It was a matching grant where friends and family could donate to our adoption fund and the organization would match the funds donated up to a certain point. We had high hopes that this money would push us over the half way point and we would well on our way to having enough funds to begin applying to agencies. The best part of this grant was that anyone who donated to our fund would receive a tax write off! Everyone wins!
Yesterday when Kent checked the mail, there was an envelope from the grant organization; a very thin envelope. Basically it was a letter stating that would not able to assist us with our adoption funding. At the end of the letter there was a paragraph about continuing to trust God to meet our needs. I let the letter fall to the floor and immediately retreated to my screened in porch, my sanctuary. The place where just a few days ago I sat during a thunderstorm and marveled at the awesome power of God creation. Trust God? Trust God for what? I was trusting God. I was trusting this Christian organization would help us with our funding. I was trusting these people would be God’s hands and feet and see the fact that we are desperate here! Trust God. Whatever.
Why is this always my immediate reaction to disappointment? Why do I always doubt God’s holiness and supremacy? Why is it so easy to sing praises when everything is coming up roses, but then retreat to a dark place when I don’t get my way?
Sometimes I get tired of myself.
So for the past three days I’ve been in a funk. A “woe is me, God’s shutting doors, I’m a failure at being a woman” funk. I came home from work today funky and tired.
I was curled up on the couch when Kent came home today, funky. He tossed an another envelope to me. When I opened it, there was a check for $874. Here’s the best part. The check was from a random audit conducted by Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine, the place where we had our IVF treatments. They said it we had overpayed.
I don’t choose to believe it was an overpayment. I choose to believe this is God, one more time, showing me exactly who’s running the show. I choose to believe that He gave us this gift to redeem the loss of our babies.
Even if God does get tired of us, He continually shows us His mercy.
God forgive me for being so short sighted and weak.
Lori and Kent,
I know that times must be difficult, but through it all God does have a plan. Continue to lean on him in good times and in tough times. He will continue to show you his plan, one little sign at a time. We love you and continue to pray for you. I know God has the perfect child that he is molding just for the two of you. When the time does come and he hands that tiny being over to you, all those many roller coaster rides will all seem worth it. WE LOVE YOU GUYS!
Lori,
I wonder everyday if God gets tired of me. I just pray and pray that everything will go the way He wants it to. Although secretly I am wishing it will go the way I want it to. I wonder why HIs time is not my time. But you are so right – we have to trust God because he will provide. I am so glad that you posted on your blog. I have been thinking of you all lately. We are planning on doing a 5k and 1 mile race/walk on October 25th. I wanted to see if it was ok if I used some of your wording on certain things. I will be sending out an email too very soon telling about it. I will continue to pray for your baby that God has planned just for you!
Jessica
Wow, what an amazing story! I can so relate to the lack of faith and getting weary of the waiting and trusting. How awesome that you got that check! And what timing! Wow! We’re praying for you guys!
–Susan, Mike and Kaden
I am so sorry for your continued funk, Lori. I am so thankful that this glimmer of hope came not long after such a disappointment.
Reflecting on your words I am reminded of the “refining” I felt like God was doing to me through our adoption. I’ll give you the scripture if you’d like me to, but God basically refines us like silver in the fire during these times in our lives. Your faith is going to shine in beautiful silver for your sweet child that you’ll get to raise.
We love you guys.